After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
