A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
where are you?
Hypothermia
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
