I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
