i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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