How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
