textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
