$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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