How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
