Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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