'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
