Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
