I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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