I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
