I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize