the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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