it was like his penis was on wheels.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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