i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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