i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize