i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Randomize
