Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
