You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
