Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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