we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
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