Pappa wants mamma naked
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
