went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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