So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
