so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
