i wish my penis had a tongue
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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