I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
