I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
