theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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