if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
