doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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