I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
