I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
