Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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