ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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