Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
