My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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