I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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