I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
