I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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