I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
