My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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