Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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