We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
