If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
