hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
