Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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