I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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