i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
