And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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