My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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