I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
