so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize