Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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