he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
