I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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