There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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